Living ~400lbs

… and believe me I am still alive

Letting Go

One thing about growing up: you learn how to let go of things, too.  Sometimes it’s all happy, sometimes it’s bittersweet, sometimes it’s an ugly, ugly loss.  Sometimes  it’s “I let it go” and sometimes it’s “It was ripped away from me” – but it’s gone, and you have to deal with that. 

What brought this to my mind today was the song Sycamore Tree by singer/writer/cartoonist Seanan McGuire.  (You can listen to it here – scroll down to the bottom.)  It’s shows a woman named Sarah Tapper looking back at a teenage love from … well, enough years to be able see “Sarah Tapper loves Harry Marshall” carved on tree and to say:  

Sarah Tapper loves Harry Marshall 
And that’s a lie, and that’s a fact 
But I left those words in another lifetime 
I’m a million miles away, and I’m not coming back…

Moving on happens.  Sometimes it’s deliberate, but other times I’ve realized that, gee, I seem to have quit pining for an old love or an old friendship.  This song reminded me of how I’ve moved on from exes, jobs, and old hurts in my past.   I let go of the fantasy of being thin by degrees – first by deciding to not diet “for a quarter” while I focused on school.  Then I decided to not diet “while I was in college”.   My weight stabilized … it didn’t go down, but it didn’t zoom up, either. 

Eventually I reached the point where I could look back and go, yes, I wanted to be thin, and it might make my life easier in some ways if I were thin, but I’m not, and that’s okay.  I’m a million miles away, and I’m not coming back, because my life is so much better now that I don’t hate myself.

6 responses to “Letting Go”

  1. I love your last statement, “because my life is so much better now that I don’t hate myself.” After recovering from an eating disorder, sometimes I miss those days when I felt so in control because I was anorexic and no one could stop me, or so I thought. But then, I think about all the pain and misery that it caused me and how I spent a good portion of my life hating my body and believing I was completely unloveable and how I missed out on so many fun things because I was too busy obsessing over calories and exercise and losing weight.

    And now, I have a boyfriend, and a life that doesn’t revolve around my weight. I exercise for fun, but not when I don’t feel like it. I stopped weighing myself several months ago. I eat when I’m hungry, and sometimes when I’m not hungry, because I just feel like it. I still have a ways to go – food and weight still take up too much of my time – but, where I am now is a million times better than where I was1.5 years ago. My life has really begun since I stopped hating myself.

    Anyway, that was kind of rambly, sorry! I love your blog by the way. :)

  2. ^________^

    It’s amazing how much better we feel when we stop using everyone else/the media/whatever as a measuring stick of our own self-worth. Self love; it’s the way to happiness.

  3. Occasional lurker delurking…

    What a lovely, lovely post. Thanks for sharing. My day got a little better, a little more peaceful because I read your words of wisdom.

  4. I think you can figure out from my last couple of responses that this has been the mindset of mine of late. I’m not sure if it’s organic, seasonal, hormonal, age related or what, but I just haven’t been able to entirely shake the “I hate myself” mentality.

    I just want to say to you….thanks for this. Thank you for being someone I can relate to in more ways than just size. You rock this blog in more ways than I can state and I appreciate you tremendously! You are just someone I want to know. Thank you.

  5. Wow, this is beautiful. Thank you for giving me the hope that I might one day be a million miles away from the lifetime of self-hate I inflicted upon myself. Taking the first step to not torture my body any longer has only uncovered that for the bulk of my life, I’ve actually just hated myself. Hating and torturing my body was just a means of manifesting that self-hate.

  6. […] info on #2: Realized it might be good to say that while I’ve linked to Seanan McGuire’s music in the past, she is also an author. Rosemary and Rue and A Local Habitation are the first two books […]

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About Me

Former software tester, now retired heart patient having fun and working on building endurance and strength. See also About page.

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