Living ~400lbs

… and believe me I am still alive

Day in the Life: Café Au Lait Truffles

I’ve had See’s Café Au Lait truffles on my brain for a couple weeks now.  Not just any chocolate, mind.  Not an assortment.  I wanted the rich, yummy coffee filling.  

(It’s funny that coffee isn’t something you find in many candies.  There’s Ritter Sport Cappuccino, which is also delicious, and chocolate-covered espresso beans, which vary. But I digress.) 

There’s a See’s in a shopping center a couple miles from where I work.   It’s not a place I pass every day, but it’s not that out of the way, either, and it’s across the street from a grocery store where I sometimes get lunch.  I go there about once a year to get candy for Christmas – at home and for gifts. 

So why not stop in and get some truffles?  Some considerations are practical.  They’re expensive.   It’s another stop to make and I don’t have time.  A pre-packed assortment only has 1 or 2 of the café au lait pieces, so I’d have ask for a special bag or box.  

But also, there’s the inner chant of: But I’m fat.  I don’t need it.  Fat people don’t deserve candy—especially good candy.  People would stare and make comments if I’m not buying gift-wrapped presents and explaining they’re gifts or for a party. Because while not eating candy won’t make me thin, eating candy will make me a shameless fatty.  *headdesk*

This stopped me.  For weeks. 

Today I was feeling tired and hungrier than usual, so I went out for a burger at lunchtime. Near See’s.   And once again I was thinking about yummy coffee truffles.  I stopped in at the nearly-empty See’s and went to the counter.  I nibbled on my sample piece (peanut butter patty) while a small box was filled with 1/2 café au lait pieces, with some white mint (new), lemon, blueberry and raspberry to round it out.  

To my shock, nobody mentioned my weight.  All these years I’ve mentioned it to “diffuse tension” and “make fun of myself before someone else does”?  Yeah, it had occurred to me that was BS, and yes, I’ve generally quit doing it.  Today, though, I was sure someone would bring it up and….nobody mentioned it.  

I tried a white mint while waiting for my burger (delicious!)  In the 2 hours since lunch I’ve eaten the other mint and 2 of the café au lait pieces.  I’ve not devoured them all, much less the world.  I do feel more awake than I did before lunch—which is a good thing—but I also feel sated, which is also a good thing.   And, maybe, I can let go of some of the “OMG I’m FAT” stupid self-consciousness a bit more :)

24 responses to “Day in the Life: Café Au Lait Truffles”

  1. *hugs*

    Life is far too short to eat inferior chocolate. There’s very little more satisfying than buying a really good truffle, closing your eyes and just letting the taste flood your mouth.

    I think we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t savor what’s good — be it food, an experience like a hot tub, or even the scent of clean sheets dried on the line.

    1. Thanks. (I like some cheaper chocolate too — but what I want varies.)

      Taking the time to savor good things (soft sheets, down pillows, a backrub, smelling the blooms in the garden) seems to increase my level of satisfaction—and not just with those things in particular but also with my life in general. It’s a reminder of how rich and good my life is, overall.

      Getting back to food, I read in Linda Bacon’s book students who ate while watching TV absorbed less nutrients from the food than those who focused more on the food. Um.

  2. omg, I know this feeling so well.

    I’m actually self-conscious enough that I find it difficult to pick up dinner at a burger joint on the way home if my husband requests it. Because I’m convinced they’ll think I’m buying two burgers for myself.

    (And I fully realize how silly this is.)

    But, the other day, it was his birthday, and all he wanted was to go to a foodcourt and eat lots of fast food. He is a fast food connoiseur. And I saw that A&W had burgers on sale, two for $6. So I managed to buy four, all by myself. I brought them back to the table for him, and he was flabbergasted that I’d done it.

    Baby steps, baby steps.

  3. Congratulations on buying yourself some wonderful chocolate. As I just wrote to a friend whose father is dying of cancer, life is too short & precious to deny ourselves pleasures or to think that we are less entitled to them because of our body size. I try to keep chocolate in the house all the time, though I don’t always allow myself really GOOD stuff; I must make more effort to do so. I hope you savor every bite.

    1. Well, I do understand that budget matters too. Everyone has different priorities there – just as some people really do prefer, say, taffy to chocolate :)

  4. The afternoon of September 11th, 2001, I went to the grocery store, and walked among stunned, quiet people listening to the news broadcasts over the sound system. I saw some raspberries, bright red and juicy, and a couple of dollars for a basket.

    Oh, I thought, they’re too expensive.

    But wait, I then thought, how many people died today who will never eat another raspberry? Wouldn’t all of those people who can’t enjoy life anymore want you to enjoy a raspberry for them? Someday you, too, won’t be able to have raspberries anymore, but you can today.

    I bought them, with a container of cream to go with them.

    Your truffles are the same as my raspberries. We owe it to ourselves and others to enjoy them when we can. I’m glad you savored your truffles!

  5. This was so nice to read. I have such a hard time getting food that is “bad” in public, and it always is an internal struggle. I loooooove nice chocolates, and can amuse myself for quite some time just looking at a Godiva window. But to actually buy anything? No way :) I am so happy that you got yourself some truffles – and wow, coffee truffles? Amazing.

  6. I know what you mean. Monday Pop and I went to Golden Corral because he didn’t feel like cooking out. When it comes time to get dessert, I always go to the dessert bar and get his as well as mine. I always wonder if people think all the sweets are for me, but then I realize that everyone who goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet is there to eat. So the self-consciousness goes away, and I enjoy my ice cream.

  7. Life is too short to deny ourselves good truffles. That’s my new motto.

    And now I wish I had a couple See’s coffee truffles in the house. Alas, I’m out of candy of any description.

    Ah well, life is also too short to fail to bake oneself a cake once in a while. I think I’ll do that tomorrow.

  8. I’ve had that feeling many, many times! Ditto on not wanting to go to fast food places for fear they’ll think I’m a giant fatty who eats copious amounts of food. I’m just now breaking my rule that my husband HAS TO EAT WITH ME if we go out. So many times I would go hungry while we were out because my husband wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to be the loan fatty eating with her skinny husband.

    The funny thing is, I get this when I go clothes shopping too. If I go with a friend who is thin, I get ridiculously uncomfortable going into a shop that I know doesn’t have anything that will fit me – even though I am with a friend who obviously fits the range the store caters too. It’s almost like I’m treading hallowed ground – like my fat will rub off and soil their racks of lovely clothing. Or my presence will frighten/sicken the normal shoppers.

    And it’s not exactly all in my head. I went into a store once looking for a present for a friend (a cute summer dress) and the sales woman practically ran up to inform me “we don’t have anything in your size here”. Seriuosly? Wtf?

    Okay, so yeah, There’s my little rant! I’m so happy you enjoyed your truffles. And I really relate to the fact that “not eating them won’t make me thin but . . . “

  9. When I say that I don’t often eat “good” chocolate, I don’t mean that it is poor quality or not delicious…what I generally keep in the house is stuff like fun-size Snickers or Milky Way, M&M’s or Reese’s; it is all good stuff. I meant that I need to make a point of occasionally buying myself a box of actual chocolates & since I actually love Russell Stover, they are not even all that expensive.

    And isn’t it wonderful that clerks are so anxious to lose sales by informing us that they have nothing in our size & God FORBID that we might drive away other customers or pull down the tone of the place by walking into their stores?! Those people really don’t need my money.

    1. I wonder if the clerks have been yelled at previously for not “warning” people, but – dude – when I’m in there with someone else and we’re obviously looking at clothing? Hello?

      Monday a friend and I spent 6 hours shopping for her job interview on Tuesday. Ended up with a suit, a shell, and shoes. I’m glad to say we did NOT get that sort of response.

  10. I really enjoy your blog! I don’t have much to add to your post, except that I know what you mean because I’ve experienced the chocolate angst too. I like Gertrude Hawke’s (spelling? Meh), but I used to never go in because I was terrified people would think “figures, fatty wants some fatty chocolate”. Now I don’t mind so much since I’ve started to practice intuitive eating. I think before I needed to justify to myself the need for special chocolate, and now I know that craving it is good enough.

    Hope everyone enjoys the indulgences in life!

  11. I struggle with being self-conscious so often when I do things like get some fast food or go to Dairy Queen. I feel like everybody is staring at me and judging – “She’s part of the OBESITY EPIDEMIC OMG!!!” I wish I could get over that.

    See’s candy is wonderful isn’t it? My sister gave me some See’s chocolate eggs with coffee filling for Easter – YUM!

    1. Dairy Queen can be another one for me too. :(

  12. Yesterday I said that life was too short not to bake myself a cake. I am doing so right now. It’s chocolate spice with a – wait for it – coffee-flavored buttercream frosting!

    I was kind of inspired by this post and the fact that it’s been too long since I’ve had See’s cafe au lait truffles. I can’t get to See’s today, but I can bake myself one whoopass cake and serve up bits to my friends.

    And next time I happen to be passing a See’s with a couple bucks in my pocket to spare, I’ll definitely go in and get a couple truffles.

    1. The cake sounds great. Enjoy! :)

  13. Every now and then I hear that voice of fear that I will be judged for the fast food purchases I make, or the groceries in my cart, or the chocolate I buy. It usually comes when I am feeling self-conscious about myself, but those days are getting fewer and farther between.
    Joyfully, since I’ve reached my forties, I have turned the volume down on that little voice somewhat. Just as I do not know the motives or circumstances of strangers, neither do they. I have found that I cannot possibly know a person by the purchases they make, the car they drive, the house they live in, nor the food they buy/eat. I don’t know whether or not they have 4 kids at home, are celebrating a birthday, having company over for dinner, or anything. I stopped guess and judging, and I suppose I assume they shouldn’t care anyway….because I don’t. It has no impact on me what they eat, drive, where they live, etc. I just shrug it off whenever I take note of something about another person.
    That’s not to assume that they ARENT judging me or making wild assumptions about what I eat, it’s just I don’t play that game myself anymore….nor do I really CARE what a stranger thinks of me. Let them think I eat 4 double cheeseburgers or coffee truffles 5 times a day….it just doesn’t matter to me anymore.

    1. Just as I do not know the motives or circumstances of strangers, neither do they.

      As Kate and Marianne argue in Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere, most people are more worried about themselves than me or you. And I generally get that. Just … not always.

  14. sees = deliciousness. i’m particularly fond of the california brittle – i think that’s what it’s called – it’s a hard butter toffee with almonds.

  15. […] Fresh-baked pumpkin bread and See’s café au lait truffles […]

  16. “To my shock, nobody mentioned my weight. All these years I’ve mentioned it to “diffuse tension” and “make fun of myself before someone else does”? Yeah, it had occurred to me that was BS, and yes, I’ve generally quit doing it. Today, though, I was sure someone would bring it up and….nobody mentioned it.”

    I’m trying to understand this paragraph, but I’m having some trouble, would you help me out please? You used to mention your weight to the sales people at See’s as a general rule? Was it while making small-talk while they get your truffles (because in your culture this is the normal thing to do)?

    1. If small talk was being made and I felt uncomfortable about my weight, I would often fit in something self-deprecating and (ideally) funny about my weight. It’s not that I kept a mental list of places where I Must Talk About Weight ;)

      Small talk is fairly common around here, at least when shops aren’t that busy.

      1. Thanks for your reply! I put the small talk-question in there, because, while I’m guessing you’re American (or maybe Canadian?), I don’t know for sure, and I didn’t want to make assumptions. Discussing my weight with strangers is a completely foreign concept to me, but then again our small talk culture is not the same as what yours seems to be, and I understand you were doing it in a funny way (which is a completely normal thing for us fatties to do of course, so I am familiar with that).
        I still don’t understand why you would feel so certain someone else was going to mention your weight, though. And sorry for not communicating where my confusion lies fully, in my previous comment. Is commenting on someone else’s weight also an accepted part of culture where you’re from? Or is it something people have done many times wtih you before (not counting situations where people may have harrassed you)? Or is it something else?

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About Me

Former software tester, now retired heart patient having fun and working on building endurance and strength. See also About page.

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