Living ~400lbs

… and believe me I am still alive


[Note: Includes discussion of weight loss and history of intentional weight loss. Please avoid if you don’t want to read it.]

Visited the endocrinologist again to follow up on my med changes. On my way into the office, the doc asks how the meds have made me feel; I said that I haven’t noticed much change except my step counter says I’m walking more. She weighs me and happily congratulates me for losing 8 pounds in a month. I mumbled something like “Uh huh” and we moved onto the rest of the appointment.

The doctor’s congratulations brought up feelings that I didn’t try to unpack during the appointment. After the appointment I began to think about it, and why it upset me.

  • First: Why congratulate me? I haven’t changed my eating habits. I haven’t been counting calories, or carbs, or points, or anything that I would normally do when I’ve intentionally tried to lose weight. I have been a bit more active, but I’ve been MUCH more active in the past without losing weight. This is not something I have made or built or achieved.
  • Third: There have been times in the past when I was trying very hard to lose weight, and lost weight, and felt like I’d won something. I reveled in congratulations and people’s happiness. Right now? I feel like a bystander.
  • Fourth: There have been times in the past when I was trying very hard to lose weight and didn’t. I followed the diets. I’d do the exercises. And, despite doing it all “correctly,” I did not lose weight. Did I get congratulated on my effort then? Nope. I’d be blamed.  I’ve been told I was not measuring correctly, or I should use a scale, or a different diet, or more exercise.  I’ve been told I was lying about my intake and exercise, because I “couldn’t” not be losing weight if I was really eating and exercising like I said.
  • Fifth: Maybe I was a bystander before, too.
  • Sixth: I’ve been trying to build my arms up for the next higher weight dumbbells but noooo, body has other plans….

So, I guess I’m having some feelings here.

Finally, I reminded myself that the reason I pursued treating my borderline hypothyroid (which led to seeing an endocrinologist etc) is to feel better and have more energy. That my weight went up about 30lbs in the last few years without a change in eating habits is one of my symptoms; my weight may change as part of correcting it.  It’s OK to be a bystander here.

Tonight I tried out some shoes from Zappos on the treadmill and this Mary Lambert song came on.

We are, we are more than our scars.
We are, we are more than the sum of our parts.
— Mary Lambert, “Sum Of Our Parts (Alternate Version)”

9 responses to “Frustration”

  1. Why not congratulate? Water retentions are a symptom of an underactive thyroid and losing 8lbs means, that you probably got rid of the stored water, which is a good thing.

    1. Like I wrote in the post, I haven’t done anything to lose weight. I’m a bystander.

      1. If doctor says “Congratulations, your cancer is getting smaller”, it’s just happiness for the patient, that he’s better. So why is it bad if she’s happy for you, that the meds are working and you lost the water retentions? I’m sure, as a doctor, she knows that you didn’t lose 8lbs of fat after taking the medication, because 5-15lbs of stored water are a common symptom of an underactive thyroid and starting with medication often means, that you lose that weight.

        I think she just wanted to say “I’m happy for you that your symptoms are becoming better” and ot “Whoa, thank god you are less fat now!”

  2. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that happened. I can’t say I’m surprised – and I’m sure you weren’t surprised either.

    It may be a complete waste of time, but maybe you could send a letter to the doctor explaining why you think the congratulations are misplaced? I find people are more likely to pay attention to a message received in traditional mail than in the bombardment of electronic text we receive each day.

    On the other hand, if the medicine is improving your energy levels and enabling you to play more Ingress, that’s a win, right? It’s a win regardless of any impact on your weight. Have you noticed any difference in your moods?

  3. I’m going to be the dummy asking what Ingress is. I followed the link, but that didn’t help me as much as I would hope. Does the game work anywhere or do you have to be somewhere particular? Truthfully, if it’s what I think it is, this could really super engage my husband and to a lesser extent me into more exercise.

    Sorry you’re doctor doesn’t understand.

    1. It’s a location-based game, but some areas have more to do in the game than others. Generally the game is best played where there’s artworks, civic buildings, and indie businesses. I wrote about it more at with links to game reviews.

  4. Glad the meds are giving you more energy.

  5. […] 2nd-most-recent post on the blog is from February and mentions that I’d gotten my silver Translator badge that […]

  6. I’m actually a bit teary right now. I’ve been reading some of your stuff and am just so grateful. I have felt alone with my weight for years. To see someone writing about the issues I’m too embarrassed to talk about is life changing! Thank you!

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About Me

Former software tester, now retired heart patient having fun and working on building endurance and strength. See also About page.

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